I’ve Got A Secret

This is the second in a series of posts that I drafted and kept to myself for safe keeping, until now.  The first, The Chosen Ones, will get you up to speed if you so choose.  Enjoy.

May 5, 2014

Anyone who knows me knows, “if you don’t have something nice to say…come sit by me.”  A little good gossip never hurt anybody. Well, it probably did, but I wasn’t around to see it, so that’s good enough for me.  No, I’m kidding. What I really mean to say is, I have been accused, from time-to-time, at one point, or place, or another of NOT being very good at keeping a secret.

Insert gasps of shock and horror here.

But this secret is necessary, you guys.  It isn’t that Frank and I don’t want our friends and family to share in our news and our lives.  I think rather, we are afraid to get excited.  To be eager makes us vulnerable. To be vulnerable means we are likely to be hurt.  To be hurt is something that both of us are mentally preparing for the possibility of, but we know that emotionally the sting could likely end up being the most painful thing ever, no matter how we prepare. Keeping mum about what is happening is just one teeny-tiny way to insulate ourselves a little bit.  Plus, this is our last go at it.  It’s getting late, and we are low on chips.  We are going all in!  We are either going to win BIG, or walk away licking our wounds.  Knowing what is at stake, we can’t invite anyone else in.  It is almost too much for us to talk about together, let alone inviting others into the conversation.  Let’s just see what happens.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014 is going to either be the day that our lives change in a tiny and beautiful way, or it will be the day that we resolve to be “just the two of us.”

But for now, I’ve got my poker face.

On the downside, if things don’t turn out, we’re going to seriously embark on the New Child-free World According to Frank and Natalie which will likely kick-off with a summer of serious regrouping and emotionally rolling ourselves up into a ball to deal with the heartache…again.  I anticipate copious amounts of liquor and other maladaptive coping mechanisms will be required. If our grass is so tall that you could hide a car on cinderblocks right out in our front yard, then you know that Frank is taking it particularly hard and has retreated to the basement with cans of Natty Boh and is watching 24/7 GolfChannel.  You’ll probably find me on the back porch drinking straight from the bottle and listening to sad songs on an infinite loop.  If you want to bring a frozen meal over for us, that’d be great since we probably won’t be grocery shopping or cooking.

On the flip side of that, if things do turn out, I think we’re going to have the best, “Hey Guys…Guess What?!?!” surprise in store for our family and friends!  I mean, imagine how Mary must’ve broken the news to her folks about Jesus.  “Hey Guys…Guess What?!?!?  Yes, yes, I’m still a virgin, but I totally just had a baby in a barn!  How crazy is that?!?”  I suppose those poor girls and women who think they are just having weird stomach cramps and go to the bathroom and… PLOP! a baby comes out might still have us beat in the “Hey Guys…Guess What?!?!” category, but I’m ok with that!!   I think ours will still be more shocking just based on the fact that I was able to keep my mouth shut about it!!

So for now, I’m trying to temper my excitement.  Frank and I are both trying not to get too far ahead of ourselves.  We talk about all the “whens” and couple them with “well, you know, if things turn out ok.”  We’ve planned for the things we absolutely must get done to embark on this journey, and tiptoe around the topics that might seem too presumptuous, like, oh, I don’t know…a name for the baby????  Seriously, a psychologist would have a field day with us right about now.  But I feel like maybe this is normal.  Many of our friends have suffered the loss of a miscarriage, then gone on to find themselves pregnant again.  I know that each of them feared the worst throughout their pregnancies and then only, finally, believed when they held their precious bundle after 9 months of worry and breath-holding.  Our choice is a bit like that.  We’re holding our breath.  Worried.  Scared as hell. Excited, but afraid to admit it. Hoping to believe.

God knows, I’ve been so vocal about each and every step of our journey… through our struggles with infertility, and the roller coaster of adoption.  I’ve always been an open book.  Dare I say, I’ve over-shared?!  But right now, it feels good to keep the book closed.  I just pray that when I open it back up in a few weeks that I turn the page to find a new character has been introduced to our litte story.

Fingers crossed.

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