Big Foot Lives In My Bathroom Mirror

Oh, friends.  Life can often be so cruel and unusual.  It can present things that are both blessings and curses–all at the same time!

I live in an old house that is so charming and quaint (blessing). However, the lighting in my bathroom is not what most would consider strategically placed (curse) and it casts a soft light around the space that creates the illusion that my skin is tanned and smooth year ’round (super curse).  I look into the mirror daily to wash my face, brush my teeth, apply my makeup, and attend to the random blemishes that make me feel like I’m reliving those lovely pubescent years!  But it was not until recently, when I removed the sheer curtain in the small window of my bathroom for washing, that a healthy stream of natural light flowed into the bathroom allowing the mirror to reflect my true self!

SWEET, FUR-COVERED, BABY JESUS!!!

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Hello, Gorgeous!!

For all my lady friends out there, you may not be aware of this, but if you really want an overdose of reality about the status of your skin, the depth of your wrinkles, how well you’ve applied your make-up, and in my case just how many dark, thick hairs your face is generating on a daily basis…go sit with a hand-held mirror in the natural daylight. You may be surprised horrified at what you see.  God knows, I’ve certainly had moments when I’ve gotten ready, thought I looked amazing, left the house, gotten into the car and flipped down the visor mirror only to find a full-fledged drag queen staring back at me!  Worse, in my case…a drag queen who forgot to attend to his 5 o’clock shadow before heading out for a night of poorly lip synced Cher tunes at the club! Oh, Miss Thing. You are looking like a hot tranny mess!

Gypsies, tramps, and thieves…whooaaah.

Don’t get me wrong.  Like Austin Powers knows he has bad teeth, I know I have hair issues. Sigh.  I just didn’t realize, until I got a full-on top of my head down to my shoulders view in my own sun-filled bathroom mirror, just how advanced my condition has actually become.  Welcome to middle age!!  I should really own stock in all those wax, depilatory cream, and epilator companies because I’ve tried all of them in the last 20 years and clearly those bastards are stealing my money because nothing really seems to work, yet I keep buying it all!

I’ve been waxing my upper lip since college.  I started waxing when my 15-year old cousin, who was so excited about all the body hair he’d sprouted over the previous year–he’d proudly count all 12 of the chest hairs and 9 armpit hairs he’d produced, saw me and started laughing and said, “Damn.  You have more hair on your upper lip than I do.”

That comment immediately spurred my routine of ripping hair out of my face from the roots.

It started with my lip.

Sadly, in the same way that time marches all over your face, the hair has migrated across my face as well. But here’s the bitch of it all…  Remember back in the 1990’s when pencil thin eyebrows were kind of “the look?”  Well, I added to my lip waxing regimen to include my eyebrows as well.  Hindsight being what it is…EPIC FAIL!!!

Oh, what I would do to have my pre-Baywatch/Pamela Anderson eyebrows back. Because, while I can’t stop my lip and chin, and now my neck, from trying to establish my burgeoning career as the bearded lady in a traveling freak show, I can’t seem to grow my eyebrows back to their once lush fullness!  So I spend an inordinate amount of time (and money) ripping hair out of the bottom half of my face, while simultaneously using pencils and cosmetics to create the illusion of hair above my eyes!!  I feel like I’m suffering from the same disease of those men you see who are balding up on the dome, but still rocking a mullet below.  Except with me, that’s happening on my face!!

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Uh, you gotta little somethin’ on your lip.

But I guess I’m fortunate that at least I recognize the issues I have (blessing), and will just have to accept that this will likely be my fate…for the rest of my life (curse).  Fortunately, I have the wherewithal and vanity to attend to these issues regularly (blessing), so I don’t end up looking like some of the women I work with who I’m certain have part time jobs with Ringling Bros (curse).  That said, you have no idea how hard it is to see some of these women and not knock them to the ground and forcibly tweeze and wax the hell out their faces…you know, for their own good!

So until the time comes when the cosmetic and dermatologic industries find a REAL way to control hair growth effectively, which I suspect will never happen since that would put them out of business, I’ll keep waxing and plucking and depilating– valiantly fighting Mother Nature’s attempts to turn me into some sort of modern day Victor Victoria.

And…
In the event you find yourselves hiking in the woods this summer and you think you’ve seen a Sasquatch…I implore you…make sure before you start snapping pictures to send to National Geographic, or let’s be real…more like Weekly World News, that it’s not just an outdoorsy kind of gal who suffers from poor lighting in her bathroom and maybe, just maybe, hand it a mirror and some tweezers instead!!

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3 thoughts on “Big Foot Lives In My Bathroom Mirror

  1. MMMMmmmmm. I’m still recovering from my reflection in
    your hallway bath mirror. At least the nightmares have subsided 🙂

  2. Ohh grasshopper! Seriously, sunshine. Wait to 50 something and use a ex-friend’s
    10x magnifying mirror with light and then we’ll talk. I’m giving you pearls here, please
    remember these cause I probably won’t.

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